Rocklin, CA — The affluent, mostly white central valley community of Rocklin, California, announced a plan this past week to deal with a potential influx of Black Lives Matter protesters.  The city decided to create what it’s calling the “Keep Rocklin Safe and Sane” plan after several citizens approached the government demanding more protection from “Portland-style riots infesting Rocklin.”

“It starts first with low-income housing,” said Cowboy Court resident Daft Jensen, who moved his family to Rocklin from Simi Valley, CA last year claiming the latter had become ‘too liberal’ for his tastes. “Next, there will be forced bussing of our kids and then payday loan stores everywhere. And it all starts with ANTIFA and these Black Lives Matter racists.”

The “Keep Rocklin Safe and Sane” program was drafted in the early 1990s following the Rodney King incident in Los Angeles but was shelved for unknown reasons. Residents recently learned about the plan during a virtual city meeting when councilmember Todd “Leroy” Jenkins mentioned it when asked about the plans to deal with “the violent uprisings of black people around the United States.”

“A question came in from the chat session that contained many unsavory words,” said councilperson Jenkins. “But there was some truth to it, so I mentioned that Safe and Sane plan, and there was a motion to resurrect it, which passed unanimously.”


The plan calls for increased police patrol presence on the city boarders, notably around the Highway 65 exits that skirt with the perimeter of the typically quiet community. Although the original 1994 plan had similar provisions, it had several clauses that needed updating.

“Well, for one, the cars were wrong,” continued Jenkins. “Back then, the troublemakers were driving old Cadillacs and repoed Buicks. And everyone knows those things rusted out in some alley long ago. So we had to update that, telling the police to be on the lookout for Subarus, small-sized Toyotas like Corollas and Matrixes, etc. BLM white supporters especially love those Matrixes. If the cops see them getting off [highway] 65, they’re going to pull them over and ask them why they’re here.”

The plan was also updated to include the purchase of 4200 cases of tear gas, which would be used “in the event of civil unrest and mayhem,” although it’s unclear how the small city would afford the $4.2 million price tag for both the product and its training.