Nevada City, CA — After recent gang violence has threatened the burgeoning, yet fragile Nevada City tourism industry, the city council has passed the nation’s first anti-Irish immigration law in almost 120 years. In a 4-1 vote, the council ordinance seeks to limit “the spectacle of fearsome acts” which have been encouraged “by the ancient laws of combat.”

“We don’t need any of that here,” said councilwoman Reinette Senum, PhD in a rather long speech which included the dangers of cell phone towers for some reason. “This kind of Irish gang riff-raff is not in the tradition of Nevada City greatness. This ain’t Sedona. If we let the Irish in, next we’ll have MS-13.”

At the heart of the matter are two rival Irish gangs who have terrorized the normally austere and unusually well-lit streets of Nevada City. One gang, represented by “native” Irishman Bill ‘The Butcher’ Cutting has been locked in a bitter battle with new Irish arrivals in Nevada City.  Mr. Cutting refers to them as “the beggars and newsboys and quick thieves here in Paradise.”

“I don’t see no Americans. I see trespassers, Irish harps,” said Mr. Cutting in an interview at the Mineshaft. “Do a job for a nickel what a [racial slur deleted] does for a dime and a white man used to get a quarter for. What have they done? Name one thing they’ve contributed.”

When asked about the new Nevada City ordinance, Mr. Cutting had this to say.

“Here’s the thing,” continued Mr. Cutting. “I don’t give a tuppenny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit-sack. That’s more or less the thing. And I want you to go out there… You, nobody else. None of your little minions. I want you to go out there.”

As for the ordinance, no one is quite sure how the city will enforce it as it violates just about every modern civil rights law.

Picture: Mr. Cutting’s gang seen here on Commercial Street keeping out what he calls “Irish vermin.” Photo courtesy from the mind of David C. Jensen.