Grass Valley, CA — The Grass Valley Post Office is experiencing some temporary service disruptions, delayed delivery in mixed areas due to unusual weather patterns in the region. Precipitation has assumed the multiple forms of rain, sleet and snow at once, causing a dreadful effect on those most often exposed to the elements. So even the thought of the weather has a few delivery people frozen with indecision today.
Mail carrier Donna Lawerence, traveling on foot at around 2810ft elevation, puts down her umbrella to voice her concerns.
“Our slogan is rain, sleet or snow, we deliver mail. They never said anything about it simultaneously containing all three! I am just so confused.” Ms. Lawerence looked defeated as she walked away, slipping a little on tiny balls of frozen water.
Jeff Wallace delivered from a damp and sullen mail room on Main St.
“So far we have calculated that 432 pieces of mail have gone undelivered based on this existential crisis of our workers, mostly around Sunset View, and Cedar Ridge, but it really could be anywhere. Drivers are unsure whether to put chains on their tires, switch to rain season tires, or just quit their jobs and go home.”
“Most seasons we don’t have to worry about this sort of thing,” said postal worker Tom Mills dressed in cloth gloves, a big yellow waterproof hat, and hiking boots with crampons attached. “This year we’ve had to make a pretty interesting call: where does the fine line weather uses identifies itself really exist? How does icy rain become sleet? At what point does a spittle constitute as a drizzle? Can an identical snowflake be in two places at the same time? Until these questions are answered, I just can’t bring myself to deliver any more mail.”
Tom Mills lit a cigarette and sat on a bag of mail with a despondent look in his eyes.
We spoke to some residents to see how the break from normal routine has affected their lives.
“Ya know, I have always wondered why slush doesn’t taste as good as snow, but I wouldn’t let it keep me from doing my job,” said Darrel Deloatch of Cedar Ridge as he carefully scooped a gob of snow/rain mixture from his windshield, sniffing it for no apparent reason. “An indescribable characteristic of water just doesn’t justify this kind of deeper thinking in my mail delivery workers.”
“I don’t really mind the lack of physical mail being delivered to my door, as a nihilist I know that it doesn’t matter either way,” spouted Grass Valley’s Damon Rochester. “Also, we can just go to the post office ourselves to pick up our mail. That’s how it should be done anyway.”
“Until weather conditions change,” said regional Post Office spokesperson Bethany Millbright, “mail delivery will be spotty. Unless we can educate our people to handle these kind of, um, philosophical conundrums quickly. We simply ask resident to please not ask any weather, or existential related questions to your postal worker, if you see one. If you do see a worker pacing back and forth under an awning, or scratching their head at a snow-covered stop sign, you can help by having them focus their eyes on the horizon and remind them of the sunny days we had as recently as December 2018. The more humdrum we can make things seem, the better.”
The storm system will continue to be monitored and fed to the Postal Office using the latest software available. Although current weather identification techniques are known to have a low prediction accuracy for these types of storms. We can expect at least several more days of unexpected quagmire and quandary.
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